Sunday, October 11, 2009


It's been a while since I've been able to write my blog. It's been a struggle to have time other than to check my FB page and send a quick note here and there.

School is more challenging than I expected it would be. It's not so much the work load as it is the logistics for getting to school. I already had to drop another class due to my lack of being able to get to school for the class. The first weeks I struggled to even get my books for the class I kept.

My challenge, is having to rely on others to help baby sit or borrow a car. This not only includes school but work as well. You may be thinking, "Come on? She has money and her man is working what's the deal?" Well, the deal is simply our main focus is on our Lotus and anything else comes after that. The other main deal is we started off with one of us going to school, Yale, so that he could get his degree my wanting to go to school came later after turning 40 this year.

The support is wonderful and I understand that everyone has their own lives to attend to including family. It's been very stressful trying to manage going to work, then to one class on Monday and teaching Wednesday nights with knowing that I must also include Lotus while figuring this all out.

There are times lately I just want to throw the towel in. I don't know what else to do and I am even tired of the excuses. Perhaps now isn't my time, and I have to walk away with my head held high and wait till it's easier for all. Perhaps the sacrifice I make now will bring greater award later. But even the thought ways heavy on my soul.

The last two weeks I have been out of town working, plus my work in Baltimore, plus preparing three power point presentations for my speech class. I have a group in which I was assigned and the first power points worked out just fine. This weeks ... well, we have all had some challenges that I placed a great load on me. I am always up for a great challenge and sometimes I up for a great break too.

Twelve hours into building this power point and my eyes are heavy and so is my heart. Just found out that both mom and the Nana's can't baby sit which means I have no car for school and no one to watch Lotus. Yale works the night shift and there is no way I am going to not let him have the car. I want him to get home in one piece. Yes, his an incredible strong man who could kick some butt, but, should he have too?

So, I sit here breathing through my anxiety and knowing that there is a solution on the horizon and all will work out eventually. Right now it's hard to see how.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

2nd Week

I finally have my classes squared away after countless days of holding my breath wondering was it ever going to work out. I have to take two classes due to financial aid. Speech it is and, Art in Culture. Both classes should be interesting and I am going in not to act as if I know, but, to be open to what I don't know and learn.

On top of all this I got a position this week working for non profit. The world wind of balancing family, career and school is about to be on. ... I sit here holding on to my primary purpose which is a future for our Lotus and to get us out of recession and in to our abundance.

When it rain's it pours.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

First Week

The first week is a short yet a confusing one. Still wading through the long lines, exhausted personnel and over enthusiastic teachers.

I still don't have my class schedule and everyone is just too busy to get the overrides sign. It's tempting to just want to throw in the towel and say, "I am just unable." However, I am showing up in the hopes that the paper work I am waiting on will get done before it's too late.

I don't remember the first week of classes being so difficult. I also don't remember the teachers so enthusiastic and righteous in their pursuit to teach you something. LOL...."I walked 15 miles in a blizzard to get to my classes with a baby tied to my back. So no excuses." Reminds me of a Monty Python sketch.

I believe the one class I'm in Speech and Communication will prove to be an adventure. I am determined to learn something new and apply that to the work I do currently on the public front.

The best part of the week is, not feeling too old to be there.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Reg Part 2

All the classes I need to take this semester are full. I have to get overrides on all of them. I can't do it today because it's Saturday. I take a deep breath and wished I had done this sooner rather than later.

"It's going to be okay" I tell myself as I pass the bookstore, wishing that was me in that line. I have a million conversations in my head about life and time. I breathe again and call my professor and we talk about the overrides and the options.

So, this is what's it's all about. The first steps are always the hardest. I am a fighter and will continue on my path no matter the challenge presented. Monday I will have my overrides and classes will be set.


Registration ... Long lines, exhausted attendees, obnoxious students with attitudes and full classes.

Yay! Financial aid came through and my required math class is full. I can't take classes during the day because I am Lotus's day care. Yale works later afternoon to midnight and it just doesn't workout for me in that way.

The catch 22. If I had a job that helped towards the bills and left enough over for a great day care then this wouldn't be an issue. However, that is not our circumstances. I try to resolve this in myself. I talk to my ego and practice mindfulness.

I again bow down to the single parents and the stay at home mom (like myself) who are trying to better themselves for a reasonable future.

My professor appears disappointed that I can't attend during the day and pile more classes onto my schedule. She wants to get me in and out with that AA degree. I can only do what is possibly and I keep having to remind myself that.

I'm taking required courses art something, speech which makes me angry and I have to really check my ego on this one. My ego says "You do this for a living ", and then it tells me to calm down just do the next indicated step. "It's not about you, it's about Lotus's future."

I am breathing through it although, it at times is not easy. I am back at the beginning finding out my already taken credits don't apply in MD...It's going to be okay because I AM GOING TO SUCCEED!

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Reasons

This blog is like a diary/journal of my experience with going back to school at 40 years of age. It's not intended to be a great edited literary work but, more random thoughts and feelings.

In July 2009 I turned 40. It wasn't a particularly exciting day, just more like every other day. I still had the same old gray hairs, my breast were still holding on and slightly upward. All in all I was 40 with a successful career as an entertainer but in a holding pattern while the economy desperately tries to fix itself.

As I watch Lotus grow physically as well as her needs, I watch Yale working himself to the bone to just pay the bills. I find myself like the average American family, struggling to keep it all together while the savings dwindles to a close nothing. Something must be done.

I wanted to make sure Lotus, Yale and I had a future as a family. As it stood now, we were work horses of life and not necessarily enjoying the process.

After speaking with Yale (who is a scholar) I too decided I would pursue the road of academia. I chose a field that I was most familiar ... performing arts. I had attended some junior college 10 years prior to pursue my complete certification as an alcohol and drug counselor. I already had a certificate as a Relapse Prevention Specialist.

After being disillusioned with the whole working at "chic rehabs in Los Angeles" I opted out of that business and back into my career as an actress full force. That proved successful for the last 8 years. Then the economy happened.

I began to also look for work and kept coming up against the "piece of paper" I clearly didn't have. My experience and expertise in the area of stage/film/TV is that equal to a BA or Masters but, not having those letters after my name was keeping me from providing for my family. It was humiliating, frustrating and, mad me angry.

So, I decided it was time for me to really do this thing. I was going to get that paper and letters after my name. I was no longer going to allow "that" to keep me from doing what I clearly was capable and more than qualified to do.